Autism Isn't the Problem: What the Meltdown Is Really Telling You

Your child's meltdown isn't a behavior problem. It's a report — and it's telling you exactly what they need. Alex Manners, author and advocate, calls autism a set of special powers. He's right, and the playbook he gives us here is one every parent of a neurodivergent child needs.

What you'll learn:
• Why the meltdown is the report, not the problem
• How to find and feed your child's special interest — their coping system
• What the school won't tell you about flexible education
• The 6 pulls → 1 snap system for spotting meltdown triggers early
• One variable you control: the story you tell your child about who they are

🔗Connect with Alex Manners
https://www.thealexmanners.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/alexmanners/
https://www.youtube.com/user/thealexmanners
https://www.tiktok.com/@alexmanners
https://www.facebook.com/alexmanners96

Get his books: 
The Autistic 92: https://amzn.to/4wx0Cj7 
"That's Not Right!": My Life Living with Asperger's https://amzn.to/4bBqVNh

Music Credit:
Track titles: Bloody Fingertips Going Down
Artist: Edgars Bukovskis
Licensed via agreement: The Parent Tap x Edgars Bukovskis
Find Edgars here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCugEMtWaRjyrkke9zxyH_Kg

Transcript

Reframing the Autism Narrative

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Most parents of autistic kids are raising them wrong. Not because they don't love them, because they're pulling the wrong end of the string. Alex Manners describes his meltdowns like this: six or seven things go wrong during the school day, and each one pulls a string inside him. By the time he gets home, one tiny thing snaps it. And his parents thought he was being naughty. Here's what his dad actually did. He told Alex from the moment of diagnosis that autism gave him special powers. He bought every book, he fought the school, and Alex grew up to change how millions of people understand autism. Today we're showing you what to stop doing and what to start. So your kid's diagnosis becomes their superpower, not their ceiling. So, what do you think the one thing about living with autism you wish everyone understood, especially parents who are recently going through this?

SPEAKER_00 0:47

I think one thing I would want parents to know is that everything will be okay and your child can lead a fulfilling life. They can get a job, they can live independently, they can travel independently. Because even up until I was leaving college, my parents were really worried about how I'd be able to do those things. How I they're worried about how I would get a job, how I would live independently, how I would travel independently. And I'm now doing all of those things. I'm living independently on my own. I've got my own business. I travel all over the UK and the world on my own. So a lot of the worries they had are now no longer there. And I wish parents knew that from the very start, from when their child first gets diagnosed.

The Power of Special Interests

SPEAKER_01 1:26

What do you think parents do that that hurts more than helps their kid with autism? And what can a parent do today that would actually make a difference?

SPEAKER_00 1:35

I think one thing that could really help is allowing your child to pursue their special interests or their their intense focuses. Because my special interest or one of my biggest special interests is football. And growing up, that's really, really helped me to cope with a lot of the challenges that I've had to face as a result of my autism. So football or soccer, as you call it over in America, has been an amazing thing for me. And I know that's quite a common subject that lots of people enjoy. Some of my friends have more unusual interests. Like one of my friends is obsessed with bins and rubbish. Now, that might be seen as something that maybe he shouldn't be interested in. But if if your child enjoys a subject and it's not harming them and it's not harming anyone else, let them pursue it because it really can do amazing things for their well-being. They can even make friends because of their special interests. They might even get a job because of their special interests. So if that interest is not harming them or anyone else, let them pursue it.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

Yeah, that's amazing. It's so cool that to hear you say that. Because I put myself in your shoes in a sense where I'm the parent and my daughter's five. And so I'm trying to like raise her right, do the right things. But I'm trying to encourage that because I feel like she's really, really strong in the art department. She's a creative mind. She comes up with these wild, her her imagination is wild. And I think as adults, I feel jaded, I feel cynical, I feel like I sometimes like the world beats you down. And and so I I really try to encourage her to be herself, to be a kid, to really have that imagination. Cause like you said, it could spur into that, could be her job someday. Is like maybe she could have a YouTube channel where she's just like creating stuff out of nothing, or like a chopped without the cooking, so to speak. All right,

Shifting the Mindset from Disorder to Ability

SPEAKER_01 3:21

man. So you you've said you consider Asperger's lucky, and that is the catalyst for your achievements in life. So that's a radically different frame from the medical um model of disorder, that the kind of the word that people throw out there. So, how can parents shift their mindset about their child's diagnosis given that you have?

SPEAKER_00 3:40

I think from the very first moment I was diagnosed, my dad told me it was a positive thing that gave me special powers. And my dad always used to try and tell me about the things that I can do really well or that I can do that maybe like I can sell at the other people that don't have a diagnosis would find really difficult. Like one of my things is I can do a Sudoku without any workings out on a piece of paper. I do all the workings out of my head. And when any of my family do a Sudoku, like my grandparents, for instance, the whole page around the Sudoku, like piece of paper, is like just covered with their workings out. And again, that's something that I excel at. I can retain a lot of information that other people find really difficult. And I think the one thing I would say is talk to your child about the things that they do excel at and the things that they can do much better than any anybody else. Yes, there will be negatives that you will have to discuss and you will have to come across. But I I, like my parents did, they always focus on the positives of that diagnosis and they told me about what those positives were. Because sometimes I found it, especially when I was younger, hard to recognise the positives. When my dad was saying, no, there are positives of your diagnosis, you can do this, this, and this. It really helped me to have that mindset of yes, actually, autism isn't a bad thing. And that's why he became or felt lucky to have it. And also because when my dad told me when I was first diagnosed that it was a positive thing that gave me special powers, kind of that was all I knew at the time about it. So that's all I had to go on to. That's what I believe. Um, because he always instilled that in me. I I continued to believe that, and I still believe that today. So I thought, right, why don't I just create a children's show that's based around the theme and the topic of autism? So I created my Rainbow Man stories, which are on YouTube, and I initially wrote them as um like scripts for the TV, but to have it even reviewed was just brilliant.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

Um my daughter just went back to school this week in kindergarten. Uh, and school's hard for neurodivergent kids. Uh her first day, her second day, she was like, I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back, Daddy. I love preschool, that kind of thing. The noise, the structure, the rules. That's all hard. What do you think? What do you remember about being the hardest for school? And what do you teach what do you wish uh teachers or parents had known about your challenges?

SPEAKER_00 5:49

Yeah, I think one of the hardest things for me, especially when I was back in in what we have called over here primary school, was that a lot of the teachers in in that school didn't really understand my diagnosis. They didn't want to put things in place because they thought, one, that it wasn't fair for the other children in my class, that I was almost having this, what they deem special treatment. And they almost, because I used to mask a lot when I was in school, they didn't see a lot of the challenges I was experiencing or facing. That was very difficult. And my dad actually had to do a tremendous amount of fighting to get me the support that I needed, sensory challenges in school, with certain lessons. So a lot of the lessons I really disliked were because I had sensory challenges within those lessons. That was really difficult. But I always say that two of my biggest challenges in school that probably impacted me the most were the school uniform and the homework. They were two of my biggest challenges in school. I think the uniform was a big challenge because when I'm wearing like the dark greys and the blacks that my uniform was, I almost felt depressed to going in every day. And when I'm wearing colourful clothes, I feel like I can conquer anything. And then the homework was always an issue because I couldn't accept having to have this long, arduous day at school doing all this work. And then when I would come home, the time I needed to like do my own thing to unwind, I would have to do even more work. And yeah, I just couldn't concentrate in lessons, worrying about whether we'd get homework. So those were always two of the biggest challenges that stayed with me all the way through education.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

But also the the uniforms, that's interesting what you said. I I realize that too myself. I dress in darker matted colors when I'm maybe not in the best mood. And then when I'm when I'm in a better mood, I'll wear I'll wear a little bit more variety. And so I don't know about myself, like if that has anything to do with it, but I've realized that like I like being creative, I like picking out my outfits. My daughter, for sure. So she got some new Halloween dress, and she's just she put it on like first thing as she got up this morning. And so I I can see how both of those things would would have been hard. Um, Alex, what

The Truth About Screen Time and Technology

SPEAKER_01 7:51

do you think about screen time? I I have a lot of psychologists, therapists, parenting coaches on. They're all most of them say screen time is bad. But from the autistic lens, technology can be a lifeline, right? Connection, special interests, community, maybe even the virtual datings, so to speak. So, how do you think parents should think about that differently?

SPEAKER_00 8:12

I think if if technology is being used in the right way, I mean, like you said, it can be such a positive thing. It can help with dating, it can help with making friends, it can help with so many different things in life. I know it's really helped me go throughout my life from when I was first diagnosed. Um, even working like now that I work, I always say that autistic people, uh, me and a lot of my friends who are autistic, we find that like online meetings are much more autism-friendly than face-to-face in-person meetings. So, for for every aspect of our lives, technology and screens can be an amazing thing. What I always say about like sort of screens and technology is yes, it's good to get outdoors, and I always make sure that I go on a walk every single day in the countryside because I think that's really good for me. And I play a lot of sports as well outdoors, like golf and squash. So I think it's really important to have that balance for your child of like having time outdoors, but also if they're finding technology really, really useful, then having that balance. I don't think you should ever take away that technology unless unless it's doing harm for that child. I like like I went back to like the special interest. If it's not doing any harm for them and they're using it for positive reasons, just let them use it. Encourage them to to have a bit of time outdoors, maybe a bit of time playing sport, going on a walk, but or away from the screen and the technology. But I would always encourage if it's doing positive things for that child and they're using it in a positive way, let them use it.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

It's like an one size fits all model for kids, especially those on the spectrum. It's it you gotta kind of tailor it to how they do. Um what do you think? Like, because I know TikTok, and I've been on TikTok a little bit more recently, is I'm a 40-year-old guy, so I'm trying to learn all the social media TikTok. I know it has a huge neurodivergent community though. And so, what do you think parents are missing about their kids using social media?

SPEAKER_00 10:00

It gives neurodivergent people a voice and it gives them a chance to express how they're feeling. I do a lot of autism videos on TikTok and on YouTube, and it it's given me a voice to be able to talk about my diagnosis and and and help and inspire other people. So it gives people a voice, but it also gives people the chance to actually go and find out more information. So if they want to learn more about their own diagnosis or understand themselves better, they can go and watch other autistic YouTubers who maybe have been through the same experience. If they want even with even parents, YouTube is uh and TikTok and social media is brilliant for parents to be able to find out more information on autism uh facts and and what autism is and how to support children and tips on so many different autism topics. I think it's just a brilliant platform for gaining more information and being able to have have a voice, giving autistic people a voice.

SPEAKER_01 10:53

Yeah. And going back to the school topic, what if you could do if you if you could design a school for neurodivergent kids or children, what would that look like? Would it be an online environment? Would it be in school, maybe a hybrid, or and then what like would the structure be based on your experiences as going to school?

SPEAKER_00 11:13

I think in the UK especially, I think kind of the way schools are set up are kind of a little bit outdated, especially for autistic in individuals. I I think maybe like 50 or 100 years ago it would have been more suited, but now I think times have moved on and and the way we educate people hasn't. I always say that autistic individuals need like a middle school. So like a big mainstream school with like 30, 40 people in a class is just too big. Whereas a full-on specialist school maybe isn't the most appropriate place. I know it wasn't for me. I went to a secondary school where about 15% of the pupils there had a diagnosis of autism. It was a much smaller school with much smaller class sizes. And although I still didn't like it there because I just hated school in general, it was a much better environment for me. Um so a middle school where it's not too big. Um, I would also say um a school where to a large degree the pupils can choose the subjects and the work that they do. So the lessons are almost tailored to their interests because I think they would engage a lot more. And even subjects like I found maths a bit boring. But when they related those math lessons to football, or they related certain questions to football clubs, soccer clubs, then instantly my brain was like going at 100 miles an hour, and I wanted to do that work because it related to my special interest. So I would have a school where, as well as tailoring subjects to the things that those autistic pupils enjoy, I would also tailor them to their special interests as well. So if they do have to carry out something like maths or English, tailor it to their special interests because it really will help them to learn. Again, a hybrid model. So some kids learn better from doing online schooling. Where possible, allow them to do online schooling. If they prefer to be in a classroom because they need that structure of going in every day, allow them to do so. If I had a was running a school, I would wouldn't have any uniform and I wouldn't have any homework either.

SPEAKER_01 13:15

Yeah, man. I love that again. As a former educator, I I'm not a big fan of either of those uniforms and definitely not homework. Homework was one of the big I I don't know if I was like a I was ahead of the curve on that one, but I just was never a fan of giving homework out because again, kids sit all day at school six, six, six to eight hours. They don't really have time to be themselves, and then they go home and then they have to do more of that. Like it's just it's rough. As adults, we don't we don't even do that. Like we don't we don't work and then go home and work more typically. So that's that's a wild, uh, wild thing to put on kids at such such a young age. What do you think the worst advice you've you've heard people give parents of

Decoding the Meltdown

SPEAKER_01 13:55

artistic kids?

SPEAKER_00 13:57

Well, I'll give you an experience from my own life, but one of the things that used to help when I used to have meltdowns was my parents had what was known as a meltdown bar, and it was basically a chocolate bar, and they'd hide it, and then when I was having a meltdown, they'd give me like one or two squares of that chocolate bar because my energy levels were like just completely zapped and drained when I was having a meltdown. So having like one or two squares of chocolate made me calmer and made me feel like my energy levels were going up. And I remember when I was younger, we saw these new because I used to go and see a child psychiatrist. But when we left, um, I think she moved to a different country, and we saw another two child psychiatrists. Um, my parents told them about this meltdown bar. They thought that I was just being naughty, like having a meltdown so that I just so I could get chocolate. And my parents were like, if he wants chocolate, there's a cupboard full of chocolate, he can go and get chocolate if he wants it. So I wasn't deliberately being naughty so that I could have chocolate. It genuinely did use to help me, and they didn't understand that. So that's one thing when people say have you heard any bad pieces of advice? That's one thing that I I I always think of. Yeah, that would be the main one.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

Do you when you're going through those meltdowns, like if you can remember, or I'm sure it's changed as you've gr progressed into an adult. Is it more just like you're seeing red? I just like put me in your shoes. What do you what do you see when you used to have those meltdowns? Like what triggered it and then what what kind of prolonged it to the state that it was?

SPEAKER_00 15:20

I mean, I still have meltdowns today, but luckily they don't happen as often as they used to, and when they do happen, they're not, they don't last for as long. But specifically when I was in school, I always describe it like six or seven things would go on during the school day. And imagine like having a piece of string inside you, and that string is being put every time something happens, a string is being pulled, and then I'd come home, and then one last little thing would make that string snap. And for me, my meltdowns were always verbal, so they were never physical. Like physically, I could control myself because I knew that if I broke something, I knew how bad I would feel afterwards. Whereas verbally, I couldn't control myself because I thought, well, I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not breaking anything. So verbally, I couldn't control my mind. And literally, the only thing that would stop a meltdown would be either a natural progression of me just ending the meltdown after about an hour of shouting around the house, or if my parents put a kid show on the TV, that would instantly stop a meltdown. So that's how meltdown used to last for me. But one thing that I that used to happen after a meltdown is after a meltdown, I would always feel totally depressed because of the stuff I said to my mum. I would feel really, really depressed that I'd actually said that to her. And I'm very lucky that she never blamed me for those meltdowns. And she knew that I never meant what I was saying. I was just so stressed about school that I had no other way of expressing how I was feeling. But yeah, my meltdowns were horrendous when I was younger, and they used to probably last for about an hour at a time.

SPEAKER_01 16:51

Yeah, I can relate to that from being the adult and having my daughter kind of go through that too. And I also the thing that you said about the the six or seven things and the string being pulled, like I can kind of relate to that too. I can relate to saying stuff that you don't mean. Like when I get very angry, I'll say stuff that I'm like, I really want to walk back as soon as I say it. And then I'm like, I feel awful that that even came out of my mouth. And so um, and in some sense, I can relate to that, but but I do see it from the parent perspective. No, when my kid has has a meltdown, it it could be those the smallest, like it could be me looking at her, and she'll say, Stop looking at me, and she'll just start screaming and all this and that. But I feel like there's something that was before that that set her off, and that the the the stop looking at me is really not the reason, but it's something like before that, like she's not getting the attention she needs, or where she gets really upset when her brother goes down the stairs first before her in the morning. So we're trying to be really cognizant of what she needs and what's really setting her off, but it is difficult sometimes to know from the other side what exactly is is kind of going on through her her mind. Uh tell us where where people can find you online, your website, uh where where we can get your books, all that good stuff, and what what projects you have in the future.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

So, my website, if you want to get in touch with me, is thealexmanners.com. And then I'm on a lot of the social medias. So my YouTube channel is the Alex Manners. On TikTok, I'm Alex Manners, and on Instagram, I'm AlexManners. And then if you want to buy my two books, which are That's Not Right, My Life Living with Aspergers and The Autistic 92. There are links to them on my website, but they're on Amazon. So if you go on Amazon, you'll be able to find them on there.

SPEAKER_01 18:41

You're inspiring people like you don't even know. But like my little daughter is gonna is gonna watch this interview and and and feel that inspiration of like she can be whatever she wants because because you're doing it. So um kind of gives me chills to think about it. No, thank you very much. Okay, so here's what we don't do with today. We don't leave feeling sorry for anyone. We leave with a system. Three things you can do this week. One, find your kids' special interest and give them 20 minutes of it today. That's not indulgence, that's their coping system, and it's completely free. Two, rewrite the meltdown script. When the string snaps, don't punish the snap, audit the six strings that happened before it. Alex said the meltdown isn't the problems, it's the report. So read that report. And three, stop defaulting to bad. Ask what your kid is actually getting from it. For a neurodivergent kid, that's often a lifeline, not a leash. And look, I'll be honest with you, I have a neurodivergent daughter myself. She's five. Watching Alex, the thing that hit me is that the one variable I control is the story I tell her about who she is. His dad told him it was his special power, and that changed everything. You don't need perfection, you need presence. Defend the kid, run the house. If you want more from Alex, and you definitely should, I'll put his links in the description.